T wice Claudia paced back and forth across the room.  Her hands rested complacently in front of her as if to belie her obvious nervousness.  There was really very little for Claudia to do to distract herself.  When pacing failed she put it aside quickly.  She fell back into the inaction which was all too familiar to her.

            Tonight was the night she was to meet the man she would marry.  She twisted her hands around each other not daring to wrinkle her dress.

            That she had not picked him mattered little to her.  She knew few women who had picked their husbands.  It only bothered her that she’d never seen him.  If he was hideous or old she would have no chance to resign herself to it before coming face to face with her fate.  Perhaps then she would displease him by showing her distaste.  There would be hell to pay for that.

            And he would be hideous, probably a shambling monster forced by his own depravity to live outside the city (for why else would someone choose not to live where all the lovely parties were?) So I will be sold, smiling if I know what’s best for me, to a monster.

            Claudia sank down into an armchair and let out a short cry.  It was not of despair- she had never had enough hope to allow for despair.  It was only peevishness and discontent.  She did not understand her feeling any more than she understood the chattering of the birds.  She had no use for either.

             Her mind veered from fears over her spouse.  Her natural bent was not moping and her mind refused to stay in any one place no matter how fertile it was.  It moved instead to doubts about herself.

            I will make a good wife, she reassured herself.  I am pretty and I embroider very well. I will run a lovely household and bear healthy sons.  The mantra did not cheer her.  She did not believe it.  There had to be more to life than that.

            She felt that over every inch of her body.  There was more to marriage than housekeeping and parties.  No one had told her what it was but she knew.  A wife’s duties went beyond what she’d been taught.  Oh she was not meant to enjoy it- she knew that too.  Enjoying anything but God and obedience was a sin.  Claudia knew, without a doubt, she would be a bad wife because she did enjoy things.  She enjoyed numerous wicked little things.  She only feared she would enjoy that nameless thing too and give herself away to her husband as the worst kind of sinner.

            When her governess entered she was in a proper fluster.  She only paused to assure neither her austere father or cold frail mother was present before leaping to her feet and crying out.  “I shall run away!”

            Her governess, Dorothea, didn’t even pause.  Claudia was prone to such outbursts though thankfully never in company.  They had been through this many times.  “Really, Ma’am.  Are you quite prepared?  Shall I call someone up to bring you a cup of tea?”

            “I am prepared, Dotty.”  Claudia sank back down in her chair. Propriety and riches hung on her like velvet ropes.  Her protests didn’t cause her harm let alone help free her.  “Has someone seen him?  What is he like?”

            “Rich, Ma’am.”  Dorothea said with a twinkling wicked smile.  Her mockery was lost on her pretty charge.

            “Oh!  But is he dreadfully old?  Why must I be affianced to an outlandish orphan?  Surely some local boy would have done just as well.  Why must they torture me?”

            “Hush you’ll work yourself into a fit.  He’ll be here at any moment. Then you’ll see for yourself what sort of man your parents have accepted for you.”

            Claudia offered no further protest and gave herself up to be fawned upon and plucked at like a doll.  She glanced in the mirror across the hall as Dorothea’s hands pulled all her loose ends into place.  She felt a surge of power as her own eyes met themselves in the mirror’s silver face. 

            Claudia was not beautiful.  She was like many cultured coddled girls and gained loveliness from her surroundings rather than from herself.  Her features were not to be faulted but neither were they out of the ordinary.  Had she been born poor a face like hers would hardly have raised her from the gutter- hardly have won hapless hearts and given her a shot of a life beyond her beginnings.  Claudia was not born poor.

            She was fed well and dressed tastefully and richly.  Her hair and skin took only the finest products.  Lack of rest or fatigue of a hard day’s work never clouded her eyes. The elements had not been allowed to ravage or age her.  Because of this she’d grown into something of a beauty- claiming what by right was not hers.

            Her long brown hair was set in flattering curls around her head and hung with flowers.  Her large hazel eyes had the aid of kohl and self esteem to infuse them.  Her figure was properly slight but also properly womanly.  In short she was no more and no less beautiful than she should have been.

            Looking at her soft lovely image in the mirror Claudia smiled.  Surely such loveliness demanded some sort of repayment from the world it inhabited.  Surely she could expect some form of happiness out of life. 

            When her mother arrived in the room Claudia had nearly put her fears aside.  She greeted her mother with a sincere enough smile.  “Is he here?”

            One of her mother’s eye brows rose.  “He is down with your father.  You will come along now.”

            Claudia meekly obeyed the command.  She followed her mother vaguely aware of the perfume that wafted off the other woman.  Beauty had not brought her mother happiness. Her eyes were pinched at the corners.

            Claudia’s breathing stressed the corset.  By the time she had descended the stairs her face was prettily flushed and her soft breaths audible.  So it was in a state of flustered agitation that Claudia was brought into the sitting room and gazed upon the man she was to spend her life with.

            He stood as she entered and bowed. 

            Her father introduced them.

            Claudia had lowered her eyes but the vision stayed with her. He was lovely.  His dark hair cut in the mode and his clothes dashing.  When she looked up again his piercing blue eyes caught hers. There was a hint of amusement in them.

            “You are lovelier than I could have hoped.  I am enchanted.”  He took her hand and brushed it with his lips. 

             “Am I a sorceress then to have enchanted you?”

            “An angel surely sent from God.”

            She found she wanted to say his name.  To taste how it had changed since she saw him.  “God does not concern himself with such trivial things, Mr. Bennett.”

            “You must call me Victor, And who are you to judge what God does.  That is highly heretic of you.  Shall I call you Claudia?”

            Claudia smiled.  She knew herself to be charming and it didn’t bother her a bit to charm this man.  “I think you have that right.”

            “He does at that.”  Her mother put in.  Her mouth was tight and white.  Her harsh voice did not disturb Claudia.

            God did not favor her or else he would have made her lovely.  Poor, Mother, Claudia thought.  God has led you to only bitterness, but not me.  This man is proof enough.  My beauty and God’s grace shall lift me from this place and I shall never return.

            “Ah, but do you wish it my lovely girl?” Victor said intruding on her thoughts.  She’d thought he’d be drawn off by the others.  Surely they had interacted as much as was proper.  But it seemed not because he was still beside her. It took her a moment to remember what he was referring to.

            “If it pleases you.”

            “It does.”

            “Then you must.”  Claudia lowered her bright eyes.

            “What an obliging mood my daughter is in.” Her father said.  “Shall you oblige us in something else?”

            “Of course, Father, what is it you wish?” Claudia answered.  It was a rote response.  There was no other option.  Obedience was demanded not asked. Yet, ever so soon she would not have to obey him, or her mother, or even the governess that she and her younger brother shared.  Soon she would know freedom.  A husband was only one person to obey, after all, and surely he could not be there to command her at all times.  Her impending freedom made obedience now far less tiresome.

            “We will need some entertainment until your brother arrives.  I am certain that in the interim Mr. Bennett would enjoy some music.”

            Claudia nodded and swept over to the piano. Victor followed with an offer to turn the pages.  He will take me away from here, Claudia thought and a lovely smile touched her mouth.  I will never be fool enough to return as my brother does.

            She had never understood why her elder brother, Lucius, ever returned to them.  He had a wife and family of his own.  He was master there, why return to where he was only the slave to the whims of another?  And why return to these people even if you liked to be ruled?  Claudia had no liking for her parents and in the fashion of one who dislikes she was skilled at overlooking their virtues.  Mostly, though, she overlooked her parents entirely just as they overlooked her.

            Claudia played well and she was familiar enough with doing so to fill her mind almost completely with other things.  She watched Victor’s hands as they moved the pages and listened to the ice in her father’s glass clinking against the rim.  She felt her mother’s still, hungry gaze on the back of her neck.  She knew the moment her brother’s bulk came to rest in the doorway.  She could sense him surveying everything.

            Her hand faltered when Lucius’ gaze moved over her.  She hated him fully without the vagueness that went with her distaste for her parents.  Where her parents were only detached, disapproving and domineering Lucius was actively vicious.  That their parents actively loved him only added to her almost physical revulsion at his presence.

            She finished the song she was playing and then sat back.  She had forgotten Victor until he spoke.

            “Little girl, you are marvelous.”

            Claudia blushed. She took the hand he offered and stood up from the piano.  “If you wish I will play another, but I beg you let me get a drink first.”

            “Yes, it must have been a trying day for you preparing for me.  I hate to think I’ve caused you any anxiety.  A girl like you is meant to smile.”

            Claudia smiled but inside she was merely waiting for him to finish.  She truly was thirsty. 

            “Allow me,” Victor offered and went and poured her a glass of water from a pitcher.  Then he brought it to her and she fastened her fingers around it.  His nearness struck her and she looked up at him realizing for the first time that despite all his beauty he was still a man.  He was of that great outer world that she had never been allowed more than a brush with.  Suddenly he was more interesting than the water.

Title Reference:
*Joseph Conrad "Heart of Darkness" Dover publications, Inc 3rd Edition. 1990: 10