Hide, all splattered in the blood*

Jess Ann Trueman — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 04:12:51 GMT

“Your slippers are dirty,” This was the first thing Claudia’s younger brother said as he entered the room. His eyes were bright and wide as the moon. The kind of bloodlust only innocence could bring on filled them. He wanted to see his beloved sister crucified on the anger of those who were so often angry with him. He did not understand the offense nor the scope the punishment might take if the coming blows came to fruition.

Claudia knew. She touched his head softly with her fingertips. “Go now darling. Is Mother coming?”

Julien nodded. Mother only came when the worst yellings had been earned. He knew that. Bothering Mother with his small troubles was the worst offense. “Can I stay? Please?”

Claudia leaned down and kissed his brow.

“This is not to be a show, Julien.” Their mother said before Claudia could reply. “You will return to your room and see that Dorothy knows that you are to remain inside today.”

Julien’s small face began to pucker in a challenge but halted. Instead he shrugged. “Goodbye, Mother, Claudia.”

Their Mother nodded austerely.

Claudia smiled. “Go on.”

Once Julien had disappeared the two women faced off.

“They are only slippers.” Claudia said at last. Her lips bordered on a smile. She knew she was playing a game in a way she never had before. Not only was she intending to hide things, which she always had, but to lie, which she rarely had. And what a lie.

“I cannot even begin to understand how you went to bed with clean slippers on and wake up with them covered in muck. When the maid mentioned it I did not believe her. Because what would a well bred girl be doing that could destroy shoes like that after she was supposed to be abed.”

“It was hot. I went into the garden.”
“Why did you not open your window?”

“Oh I tried that Mother, it was still too hot.”

Her mother drew close to her. It was a dense uncomfortable distance and Claudia shrank away. Surely the woman could not smell him on her. Only beasts could do that. “It isn’t safe, Claudia, for a young girl like you to go walking about alone in the night. Even in your own garden. There are horrible things that could happen.”

Claudia nodded. “But nothing did, Mother. Nothing at all horrible happened.”

“Nor does it take much to start rumors about a girl. It the wrong words trickled down about your conduct you could swiftly find yourself out of a good marriage.”

“I hardly thing dirty slippers and a night walk in the garden are going to change Victor’s mind about me.” Claudia said, her expression nearing a sneer. What did he matter anyhow? Oh soon, too soon he would take her away to his country home. Until then he was nothing to her. And if he disappeared over a rumor what did it matter?

“You know nothing of the world or of men. It might surprise you what can and cannot change a man’s mind about a girl.”

Ah but the world is mine, Claudia thought. God loves me and surely if God loves you nothing can harm you. “Are you telling me that I cannot walk in the garden Mother?”

“You most certainly must not after dark. It is not proper or seemly. What could have possessed you?”

“Heat.”

A cat yowled outside.

It was followed swiftly by the yelp of a dog.

“Heat.” Her mother sneered. “Is for animals. You are not an animal. So you will stay indoors unless you are with an escort. I will not see anything bad come of you while you are under my roof.”

“Yes, Mother.”

The unstated questions loomed between them. Claudia wanted to reach out and touch them with her fingers. There was so much that any mother would suspect…and so little she could say without ruining the innocence of her child. That was, if such innocence existed. Claudia had none to ruin nor oddly did she think she had lost any.

“You did not see anyone while you were out did you, Claudia?”

“No mother. I don’t believe anyone is admitted to our garden at night.”

“And you did not leave the garden?”

“No, why should I?”

“Because the unknown can charm, and you mustn’t let it. You mustn’t ever let it. God has a place for each of us and for now yours is here under our roof and your father’s protection.”

“And soon under Victor’s roof. I know that. This has been true my entire life why would you question my belief now?”

“Oh Claudia, my Claudia, you are a pretty girl and I only hope you don’t come to ruin. There is a leaf in your hair.”

“I won’t.” Claudia said. She reached her hand up and found the leaf. She lowered it into her palm and held it there. The small round leaf belonged to no tree in their yard.

Without a further word the elder woman turned and left the room.

Claudia circled around to her bed and lay back on it. Her body ached and she glanced down her hands which were covered in small scratches from the climb down the trellis and her ascension too. That she was suspected of the very act she had committed escaped Claudia. She was only peeved at the disturbance to her thoughts.

Claudia was lost in love. There was no room in her mind for doubts or reason. There was only him, his hands, his face and the feel of him inside her. That was all that mattered. She made no plans, careful or otherwise. She simply lay there, believing. Claudia did not even know what she wanted from this love. She was engaged. He was not the one. She never once saw herself as his wife. Yet she saw herself always with him.

Victor could remain an angel, loving sweet and perfect. And he would be her husband but he did not concern her. He was only a backdrop to Bennett, who owned her flesh and blood. Who could stop her beating heart with a glance.

She pressed the leaf to her breast and felt again the way his mouth felt against her neck.

Title Reference: *Dostoevsky, Fyodor. “Crime And Punishment” Bantam Books, co 1866: 57

Deprivation - Chapter 14

Hide, all splattered in the blood*